God in Your Grief
Because we don’t just grieve death...
When I first learned about the idea that grief doesn’t just apply to death, I was mourning the loss of a little girl. It was winter 2012 and I was living in Atlanta. I had just come in from a night shift at Olive Garden. I started crying uncontrollably and found myself staring in the bathroom mirror. It was weird. Every time I opened my eyes, I felt like I was staring at someone else. It was like I wasn’t looking at myself the whole time I was speaking; yet, the person who was looking back at me was very familiar. I was looking at the five-year-old version of myself. The little girl in me had shown up in more ways than one that night. She was crying out to me and I had to answer.
I began to say, “Little Mya, sorry for the pain you were caused as a child,” “Little Mya, sorry that you felt unloved,” and “Little Mya, sorry that you didn’t get a chance to make a choice,” and on and on I went, calling out scars, experiences, and things that most kids forget. I had come face to face with a little girl I had been running from my whole life and she was gunning for her redemption.
As we close out this month’s theme “God Visits the Hood”, I want to tackle a few things that I encourage you to keep in mind as you navigate this season of life. I specifically want to dedicate this post to those who feel like 2024 has been filled with sorrow, pain, and changes you never expected. I want to highlight ‘grief’ and how important it is to recognize that God is with you in your grief.
Grief is defined as deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; or a cause of such suffering (Merriam-Webster). God wants us to be aware of how we feel so that we can bring those feelings to Him. While this is true, many of us tend to handle this well when we experience death, heavy breakups, or even job loss.
However, there’s another type of grief that we often ignore. It’s the grief tied to change and life adjustments. These are things that we might feel aren’t worthy of grieving, yet they carry a similar feeling of sorrow and pain as a death might. Over the last fifteen years, I’ve learned how grief can often sneak up on us in circumstances that we weren’t expecting to feel so heavy about. You don’t always have to be strong and just deal with it, because “it is what it is”. Many of us who grew up in the hood have such tough exteriors that we’ve probably said this so much, that we don’t realize we’re giving the enemy permission to taunt us in that very area.
Below, I’ve listed just a few areas where this grief might show up and how you should address it without dismissing how you feel.
1. Grieve the little girl who keeps making bad choices for you. The reality is, that many of us “adult women” are making decisions based on the “little girl” that still lives inside of us. At some point, you’re going to have to admit that while God understands our childhood wounds weren’t our fault, He does expect us to acknowledge that holding on too tightly to our inner child can cause more harm than good. I encourage women to write a letter to their younger selves and write down all the things they wish someone had said to them or done for them, including things that they wish she had. After writing it all out, pray and ask God to show you how to let go of the little girl who may be causing you more grief than you realize. Sometimes, in our desire to redeem our younger selves, we end up developing habits and behaviors that aren’t healthy, which is why we have to…
2. Grieve the old patterns and behaviors that we’ve let go of. Once we’ve made adjustments and we’ve come to a healthier place in our lives, there’s a feeling of sorrow that often follows. You may wonder how you’re doing better in many areas, but you feel a sense of sadness. You have to realize that anything that was a part of your life for a long period will have some kind of emotional connection to it. That’s why many people struggle after a major breakup from a toxic relationship. No matter how bad it was, that didn’t change that it was comfortable and familiar. Any old patterns and behaviors that are no longer good for you will often try to fight their way back in by making you think you were better off with them. Push through the sadness that accompanies the grief until you’ve come out on the other side. Instead of dismissing your feelings here, journal about the sadness you feel and even how frustrated you feel that something that wasn’t the best for you is still hanging around in your mind. Work through it slowly instead of trying to have “thick skin” for the sake of shaking it off. A voice diary might be ideal here. I keep a voice diary with my thoughts and frustrations so that I can get it all out, then, I delete the recording. I got it out, acknowledging how I feel, and I can now release it. More often than not, we need to do this so that we can focus on “what is”, though it still takes time.
3. Grieving what you enjoy so you can go after what you need. This one is huge. Recently, the Holy Spirit was giving me insight into a relationship that He’s shifting in my life. Typically, when God reveals things to us about a friendship or a relationship that He may be asking us to step back from or that He’s shifting, we automatically look for the bad. It’s very possible to enjoy that job, friendship, or even that opportunity that God surprised you with and it still has to come to an end. If it’s time to move on to what you need, then you have to be willing to grieve what was good to go after what’s God. Not everything He asks us to release is wicked, or evil. Sometimes, the season is up. Sometimes, we’ve done our part and now He needs us to back up so He can do His; other times, He simply has more for us and we’ve graduated to another level in that area. Be okay with God shifting things without looking for the evidence that it was bad. If you’re concerned that you may be self-sabotaging or moving on too quickly, here’s how to assess without overthinking:
a. After you get the instruction, ask God to confirm that the instruction did come from Him. Be bold and ask Him to lead you to an example in His word so that you can know you’re hearing your Father’s voice.
b. Write out everything God says and drops into your spirit. Ask Him questions, including ‘why’. Contrary to popular belief, we can ask God ‘why’ (you just may not always get an answer or an answer you like). Be still before the Lord and wait for Him to respond (which means you may have to come back the next day to hear more).
c. Lastly, ask Him to search your heart for anything that isn’t from Him. If there’s any pride, deception, rebellion or jealousy, you could be walking away from something that He still wants you assigned to. But if you know you’re walking in freedom and deliverance, and that you didn’t make the decision based off emotions, but based off instruction, then trust your decision is pure.
Grief is real and not all grief is associated with death. This year alone I’ve had to be okay with some of the grief that has accompanied my obedience. You know how many times I can’t go to a family function, hang out with a friend, or even connect with someone simply because God said, ‘no’. Even Jesus grieved obedience when He was in the garden of Gethsemane. He knew what He had to do, but that didn’t change the grief accompanying it.
I hope you all enjoyed this month’s theme, “God Visits the Hood”. If you haven’t read the other blog posts, I encourage you to do so. Since it’s Thanksgiving week, my prayer is that each post causes you to recognize something that you should be grateful for, even in the hard.
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