The Beauty of Friendship
Friendships. It's one of the hardest relationships to navigate. I spent many seasons alone trying to understand the true meaning of friendship. This could only be done by studying my relationship with Jesus Christ. Friendships are a beautiful translation of God’s love for us expressed through the individuals that He places in our lives. Did you catch that? That He places in our lives. If we dismiss God’s provision of friendships by choosing what fulfills our own selfish desires and not His unique plan for our lives as it pertains to these relationships, we can never excel in this area.
Women across the world are struggling in their friendships, and after a certain age, the idea of maintaining fruitful, equally balanced friendships, seems far-fetched. Add to the mix social media and you've got a social tug of war going on. We're all trying to develop a solid connection with people while enduring the complications of technical difficulties and misunderstandings of the heart’s expressions.
I decided to pull two chapters from my devotional, Warring for My Girls: We Pray Together, We Slay Together to provide some tips on managing friendships. If you enjoy this excerpt, grab your copy from Amazon today.
War 5 - Warring for Her During Seasons of Disconnect
Dear Heavenly Father,
Can we talk? Okay. So, the truth is, I feel a bit lost. I know that my sister is doing her thing and that You have moved her into a new season of life, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel left out. As time has gone on, I realize that we aren’t connecting like we used to, and it seems that busyness has gotten in the way of our relationship. I am thankful and grateful that You would bless her and cause her to grow, but I’m asking for peace and understanding. I bind the spirit of jealousy, confusion, and the taunting that the enemy is trying to convey to my heart. I know that this season is meant for me to cultivate and grow what You've placed in my heart, so help me to redirect my heart in that area. God, give me the grace and balance to still be a good friend and check on my sister, even when she isn't checking on me. This is new for her. She's never seen this season before, and neither have I. Therefore, I'm asking that You speak to her heart. Continue to increase her wisdom, knowledge, and understanding in this season. Help her to follow Your leading and guidance. Help me know that if You don't have us hanging out or talking as much, it’s not to hurt us or make either of us feel slighted or alone. It’s for the benefit of us growing closer to You and coming out of this season better than when we entered it. I pray that if You have her in a space where You want her focused on You and her goals, that she let nothing distract her. I pray that she would have a spirit of discernment like never before. I pray that the fear of the Lord rests on her so that she would make wise decisions that honor You. Now, God, I ask that You heal my heart. It's not easy dealing with this type of change. I know that it would be easier to lie and say it doesn't hurt, but I'm grateful to serve a God that wants me to come to Him in truth – because You already know how I'm feeling. You love when I come to you bearing all because that means I trust You with ALL, and all areas of my life need Your covering, Your love, and Your touch. Give me the strength to do what You say, no matter how I feel. In Jesus' name, Amen.
The Breakdown
We've all been here before. Literally walked through a moment where we know that we prayed for our friend to have much success and that blessings would chase her down wherever she goes, but many of us didn't think that would mean we might not get to share in those blessings with her. I'm betting many of us even felt the strain of jealousy trying to cause us to send a text that went something like this: "Hey sis. Listen, I know you're working hard, and I'm proud of you, but I really feel like you're changing. I’m happy for you, but I was there for you when you needed the prayers for this new business you started, and now, I feel like you've just totally forgotten me. I'm not asking you to slow down, but what’s up?”
That was the sweet, perhaps Southern Belle version. My version would’ve been laced with a bit more fire than that. I had to rebuke the spirit of North Philly as I was typing this. I know you’re probably chuckling, but it’s true. There have been so many times in my past where I literally had to hit delete and put my phone down because I couldn’t understand nor fathom how it made sense that I wouldn’t be a part of any season of a friend’s life. I mean, we’re supposed to be friends, right? Well, here’s what God revealed to me throughout my friendships over the years:
1)God controls the seasons and who we have in each one. Every season carries an assignment, and no matter how much we love and value someone, if that season isn’t supposed to include them, it just won’t. If you feel excluded, know that God is intentional. Pass the test so that when your season comes, someone can continue to war for you even when you aren't connecting with them daily.
2)There are pockets of a friend’s life that may not include you. It hurts to think this, but you have to allow those pockets to be just that – portions of her life that may not include you. Don't overthink it. I used to believe that if we were friends, I should know everything, be everything, and be in everything. Sadly, that’s unrealistic. Rejection is protection, even if it’s for a day or a season. Did it ever occur to you that God knows she is being refined and tested, and the stress level in this season of her life would cause you guys to fight more than ever?
3)Tests like this often come when God sees we have an area in our lives where a seed of jealousy resides. For example, maybe you have a sister, and you felt slighted because she got more attention than you when you guys were growing up, and God knows that’s still a sore spot for you. If God sees an opportunity for you to grow, He will put you through a test that requires you to do just that. God isn’t a God of games, but He is a God of growth. God has to burn your flesh and peel back those painful layers, and that often comes through testing in the very area you’re struggling in. You have to go through, to get through.
Anchor Verse: Romans 12:17 (TPT)
Never hold a grudge or try to get even, but plan your life around the noblest way to benefit others.
Scriptures to meditate on: Job 42:10, 1 Thessalonians 5:11
War 17 – Warring Against Feelings of Jealously
Dear Heavenly Father,
I hate feeling like this, but I know that You want me to be honest with You about everything. I want to see my friend happy, but it hurts me to know that I've been waiting for so long for my blessing. You tell us not to covet our neighbor's things, and You don't want us to idolize anything, so help me remember You are a sovereign God who makes no mistakes. I pray against this spirit of jealousy and ask that You help me to stay focused on You. Help me be grateful because I was praying for my friend to receive exactly what she prayed for. This doesn’t mean You love me any less or that You don’t see me. It’s just not my time. Help me to realize that and not take this as a slight toward me. You have enough blessings for all of Your children, and You don't owe me anything. Help me see past my own desires to understand that she was ready for this and that she was prepared. I denounce the feelings of contempt and frustration that are trying to overpower my joy. I choose to celebrate her while I’m waiting for my breakthrough. Teach me to wait well. Teach me to serve while I’m waiting. I close the door to the enemy’s schemes and tactics that would try to tear this friendship apart because of my selfishness. Give me the strength to be a true friend. If I feel this way, this means You still have work to do in me. This is a true test of my character and my faith. Help me to pass this test. In Jesus' name, Amen.
The Breakdown
Warring on a friend’s behalf is tough when you’re still sitting in the waiting room. You ever have a friend that calls you crying and complaining about not getting any sleep because the baby was up all night, but you’ve just had a miscarriage? You remember praying for her and believing God with her, only to be on the other end of a painful loss that you can’t even put into words. You want to be the good friend that supports your friend in her season of winning, but you can’t ignore the pain that’s in your own heart.
You also feel like she could be a bit more sensitive to the fact that you did just lose your baby, and you’re trying to wrap your mind and heart around hearing her baby cooing in the background. Listen – if there's any woman that tells you she's never experienced feelings of jealousy when her friend is in a fruitful season, and she’s still barren (not just in regards to childbearing), you need to remove her from your space because she’s lying (no – but she is).
Here’s an area I still struggled with as it pertains to jealousy: I’ve always been a loner, yet I'm an extreme social butterfly. I always knew somebody, and no matter where I traveled throughout Philly, I found myself having plenty of friends. As I got older, somewhere around my mid-twenties, things shifted for me. I think at that point, God knew that if He didn’t start to place a protective bubble around me, I would end up not fully surrendering to His plan and purpose for my life.
While I have had an amazing friendship for over thirty years, we still had plenty of seasons where we were both living out God's will for our lives, so we weren't always connecting regularly. So, I spent years feeling like I had no friends or like I couldn't connect with the friends I had. As I continued to live in different cities, God would lead me to beautiful connections, but I felt like I had to watch people win in friendships while I was losing. I would feel my heartstrings pulling when I thought about why people weren't checking on me, reaching out to me, or inviting me to go out. Of course, this was all about my perception at the time.
By the way, let me make something clear: I did put myself out, extending the olive branch and going out of my way to try to make the connection first. It wasn’t until two years ago that I realized that the anointing on my life is so valuable that God won't let me be connected with just anyone. I say that humbly and still with a bit of pain because it doesn't change that this is still a bit of a sore spot. I've had to trust God's idea of friendships for me more than what society says friendship looks like for me to stay focused.
Commercial Break: God has revealed this invaluable truth to me about myself (something that I had to really come to grips with, and I'm paraphrasing here): “You have learned to fill your life with so much of Me, that anyone who encounters you that can't handle that light, won't befriend you. Those who are meant to be in your life will appreciate that light and will be drawn to it. Those who would rather enjoy the sentiments of darkness will not. I will lead you to your tribe, and they will be able to handle the full weight of who you are.”
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.
Now, this may not be the same truth that God reveals to you, but either way, you'll have to combat those feelings of jealousy and meditate on God’s word, but don’t be so hard on yourself. Can happiness and sadness exist in one’s heart at the same time? Absolutely. There are times where a quiet demeanor can be misread for everything but what it is - a silent cry for your moment to arise and for the desires of your heart to be fulfilled. I can be happy for you and sad for me without being cast as a bad friend. The key is to not let that sadness grip your heart so much that you fall into depression about something you don't have or where you can't celebrate your friend. It's at that moment that you must surrender your heart's desire for the desired blessing to Him. Turn it into a prayer request, praise Him, and continue to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the areas where you need to prepare for what you’re asking for.
Anchor verse: James 3:16 (TPT)
So wherever jealousy and selfishness are uncovered, you will also find many troubles and every kind of meanness.
Scriptures to meditate on: James 4:2-3, Romans 12:21, Galatians 5:22-23
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