How Speaking Life to Our Men Creates Healthy Environments
Our men need us now more than ever
Ladies, we have to do better. My heart aches every time I hear our men say, “It’s the way she talks to me that upsets me”. I was watching a men’s panel from a conference back in April 2024 after God had already started to download this article to my spirit. That men’s panel just confirmed why this piece would be so timely. I put this under the health section because I’m a firm believer that having healthy bodies but unhealthy environments could ruin our mental and emotional health.
While I’m not yet married, one of the greatest lessons I learned in 2020 was honoring my boss (read the article in the When Fruit Speaks series here). As I shared in a previous article, I was working at a bank and worked under someone very difficult to work for. God pruned me in multiple areas in that season, but the one thing He said that made me realize just how much He expects women to honor men no matter what was: “If you can pass this test, you will be able to have a healthy marriage. Your husband won’t be anything like your boss.”
That made me realize that it’s not up to us as women to decide who gets our honor and respect. It’s a lifestyle that God expects us to live out no matter what. Speaking life and healing to our men doesn’t just encourage them, it builds healthy environments. Here’s how:
1) When we speak life, our men feel more alive. Regardless of your marital status, there’s a man in your life right now that you can honor with your words. Stop thinking you’ll do it when you get the husband or when the husband starts acting right. One of my favorite female pastors said this years ago and I’ve held onto it: My response is my responsibility. The weight of that is so profound. When we speak life, even if he’s speaking death or if he isn’t honoring me with his words, he will feel more alive. The word of God says a soft answer stirs away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Have you ever had someone say something mean to you and you answered with a kind response? They look at you confused, but they are also left speechless. Imagine that husband, son, or even father saying something crazy and you offer kind words. Something in him will come alive, even if he doesn’t admit it in the moment.
2) When we speak a better word, our environments thrive. No matter what’s going on around us, when we speak the better word (the opposite of how we feel or a positive word when we want to say something negative), our environments thrive. Remember, as women we have a great deal of influence in the spaces we’re called to. Whether it’s your home or your workspace, we can either bring an environment up or down by what we say. Keep speaking the word of God and words of kindness and watch your environment thrive. Shift the atmosphere with your words.
3) When we speak life, we build him up when the enemy is trying to tear him down. Trust me. Whatever you want to fuss at that man about, the enemy is already tearing him up. It would be nice if you didn’t reinforce what the enemy is saying. While men need correction (again, this isn’t just for husbands), the way we correct should be in love and not with an ‘I told you so’ spirit. This is especially true if he made a poor decision that you didn’t agree with. Honor him by being encouraging, correcting in love, and helping him get back to a place where he’s thriving in his self-esteem.
4) When we speak a better word, the enemy has a harder time breaking that three-strand cord. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about how two are better than one, but it also talks about how a three-strand cord isn’t easily broken (God is the third strand). When we speak the better word, the enemy has to find a way to get in. When he realizes there isn’t a way to get in, he goes scurrying (James 4:7). When you submit your tongue to the Holy Spirit, God can give you words that you may find hard to say or that you wouldn’t think to say. Remember, negativity comes easily but speaking kind words can take work. Make it hard for the enemy to break that three-strand cord by speaking a better word, even when that man isn’t around. Speak life into your environment no matter what.
5) When we speak life, he will want to do better. Have you ever had a child come home with a bad grade and before they even show you the test, they’ve already gone through their head on how mad you’ll be? Children should never be shocked when we encourage them instead of fussing at them. The same thing applies to our men. This goes back to point number three. He already feels bad about whatever went wrong, so why add to that? Men don’t wake up wanting to let us down. They long to do right by us. When we speak life, he feels empowered and encouraged to do his best and to get it right.
6) Lastly, when we speak a better word, his internal environment is purified. So many of our husbands, sons, fathers, uncles, cousins, pastors, and male friends are naturally hard on themselves. Add to that race, and our black men already feel inferior in a lot of ways. They wake up to a world that tries to remind them of their “place” frequently. We have the opportunity to purify their internal environment (their inner being) by what we say. This is something we can do daily. One of the things I can’t wait to do with my future hubby is leave notes around the house with encouraging words, whether he needs them or not. We have the opportunity to fill them up with words on good and bad days so that when something does go wrong, they have a full tank to pull from. When God trusts us with His sons, we’re asked to respect them. Nothing shows them more respect than the way we talk to them. Let’s honor them with our words.
7) Bonus Point for Married Women: He shouldn’t have to protect himself from you. When I went back to therapy in 2022, one of the things I worked on was being a safe space for my future husband. I remember sharing some things with my therapist and she summarized what I was feeling by saying, “I get it. You feel like he shouldn’t have to protect himself from you.” I wrote that down and have prayed into it ever since. Our men wake up often with the world on their shoulders. There’s already a world ready to tear them down and even people the enemy will use to try to steal their confidence. Build yourself up in a way that your husband doesn’t have to protect himself from you. You may need to go to therapy to become that person, but no matter what, the men in your life are deserving of it. Not to mention, your children watch how you talk to your husband. Set the right tone no matter what it takes.
For the mother wondering how this applies to her and her son, think of how many times you put him down or give him a speech when he just needs encouraging words; or think of how many times you throw that last failure in his face when he just needs silence and for you to listen. Again, this doesn’t mean we ignore correction, but there’s a way we can correct the men in our lives, and it makes them want to grow because we did it with grace.
For any woman struggling in this area, I pray that you’ll meditate on Proverbs 16:24, Proverbs 31:26, Galatians 5:22 and Colossians 3:12-13. These scriptures will help you transform your language as you navigate relationships with the men in your life. And remember, he doesn’t have to be a man of God or a Christian man for you to honor him with your words. Honor is something God values and He watches how we treat unbelievers just as much as He watches how we treat those in the household of faith.
I also encourage you to pray James 4:7 by submitting your tongue to God daily. Use all of these scriptures and write out a prayer that you can pray until you’re stronger in this area. Ask God to help you see how the fruit of gentleness can shift your relationships into a healthier space.
Lastly, if you become a safe space for the Holy Spirit, you will automatically be a safe space for those connected to you.
